Chinese Orchestra, Lion Dance, Chinese Opera

3 things that I wished belonged to another culture. Whenever Im near any of these ‘performances’, I cringe and wonder where and what went wrong with this ancient civilisation that boasts 4000 years of history?

Its the excessively loud noise created by the awful and barbaric instruments accompanied by totally old-fashioned, obsolete and tasteless performance. The instruments that I loathe would have to be the cymbals and drums. Ear-splitting and deafening, Im absolutely positive that they were originally designed as Instruments of Torment to be used in torture camps not dissimilar to the gas chambers of WWII. Anyone exposed to this horrific racket for 5 minutes would most definitely develop fits and die from excessive loss of whatever fluids oozing from every possible orifice from their body.

Possibly, by some twist of fate, probably some eunuch trying to murder its lover, these Instruments of Torment were brought to light and the mass of common, tone-deaf and ignorant folks (which coincidently hasnt changed in 4000 years) lapped it up and the Chinese people inherited this curse.


Chinese Orchestra

Without the cymbals and drums its called music. With them, it sounds just like a Chinese funeral. A funeral in the concert hall? Classy.


Lion Dance

Full grown men playing with dolls, I meant manly lion dolls, pretending that they can step in beat with the thunderous drum beats. GAY. Lets not forget the spitting of vegetables, Chinese letters written in oranges and jumping on poles. GAY. I pity the person behind who has to see and smell his partners sweaty butthole. GAY. Lets summarise. Dolls, poles and butts. GAY. However, all the heavily tattooed men and delinquents that form the major advocates of this ‘art form’ seem to differ. To each his own I guess, Im not going near that with 20 foot pole (pun intended).


Chinese Opera

Face it, this is a lost art. Traditionally, people who sing in Chinese opera are men with their nuts removed. So if there are no nutless men on stage performing then I want my money back. You dont hear castrati pieces sung because they dont nut young boys to preserve their pure voices anymore. Simple rule. Follow it.